 Going somewhere? As we continue to press forward through these days of social distancing and thinking about how the world will be transformed when we reach the other side of this pandemic, I wonder how many of us are waiting for someone else to apologize for something that happened yesterday, last month, or a lifetime ago. What about you? If you could go back and change one specific thing in this life of yours, what would it be? What ONE THING from your past would you change so you could positively change your life forever? Nice try… But that’s fiction. And it’s not even science fiction! As we shift gears, passing into the last 10 days of this 40-day conversation, today’s e-note, though a little longer than most, could possibly change how you view the middleman known as "The Apology." It’s been said, “Men forget but never forgive. And women forgive but never forget.” I am not a big fan of the words “always” and “never.” And I certainly do not believe all men never forgive… or that all women never forget. However, it seems to me that men often seek some sort of resolution… either via fisticuffs, brinkmanship, or all-out war. Once the fight or war is over, most men can conduct themselves as if nothing ever happened. But deep down inside, some men will never forgive the events that led up to the war. And if given the opportunity to lob a mortar into the camp that once did the same to his, the thoughtless man will find a way “get justice.” On the other hand, it seems like many women cross this stream of consciousness in a different way. Women, the true and absolute bearers of life, are far more likely (than men) to forgive. Yet, paradoxically, people, in general, refuse to forget the incidents that seem to have caused them irreparable harm at some point in their lives. Can these statements be true? Well, perhaps we are further down the path than we need to be. So let’s start with a few statements, and then move on (literally). First of all, none of us ever really forgets anything. Everything we have ever done, said, eaten, drink, drank, or drunk (literally of figuratively) is resident somewhere within the deep recesses of our minds. For some of us, however… the simple act of recalling those events is a difficult endeavor. In other words, all of us have the information with which we grew up. It’s just that some of us have a more difficult time recalling that old information. Now forgiveness is similar in nature to forgetfulness, but not really. You see, in accordance with the previous paragraph, coherent people can never forget something. But you can always forgive someone. Forgiveness is actually a matter of personal choice. And forgetting is a matter of creation. (We know what we know) Take for example, the little hiccup I mentioned in the e-note from Day 13 (On Purpose): what would you do if someone stepped on your foot, and kept on walking as if nothing ever happened? If it ends up ticking you off, it could turn into a really ugly and unforgettable event. Or you could simple say, “No big deal.” Let’s kick it up a notch… Worse yet, what if someone stole your heart? What if they smashed your dreams? What if they purposefully stole, smashed, or shattered your wonderful castle in the sky? What would you do? Here’s what I recommend: Recall our Four Little Questions from Day 4:
But today’s e-note is not really about those Four Little Questions. Today’s e-note is all about fore-giving the apology. Hopefully, today ushers in an epiphany, a point of clarity, or a life-changing revelation. Today, I want you to think, know, and believe that, regardless of the wrongs brought upon you, there is a very real power in giving an apology before it is given to you. That’s right… let’s turn this around: You, my friend, can ALWAYS fore-give the apology. I want you to start giving the apology before the offender has a chance to tell you he or she "is sorry." If and when you do this, you will immediately (and happily) lose the expectation to receive an apology. Give the apology, and you will lose all hate and discontent regarding the situation. And once you have truly forgiven others, you can subsequently focus on things that are far more important in your life. In fact, if you can muster up the faith, focus, and fortitude to stop looking in the rearview mirror… an amazing patchwork of micro-successes will begin to take shape within your life, quilting you within a vast sea of positivity. Seriously… and here’s one little fact to get you going: FACT: Two thoughts cannot occupy the same space in your mind. And if you would be so kind as to trade in your negative thoughts regarding so-and-so who owes you an apology for this-and-that, you will soon have more thought space to let the good times roll. In other words, every thought in your mind pays rent. And only YOU decide what type of tenants you keep. Now, to be sure… many, many (and yes many, many more) people will criticize this line of thinking. Me? I rarely, if ever, pay attention to the critics. Why? Because, unlike the autoworkers, social workers, public servants, attorneys, bricklayers, and carpenters, critics don’t learn a trade or go to school, but they obviously have a rather narrow school of thought. In fact, anyone can be a critic; it requires no special skills. And, sadly, the longer a person remains a critic, the “better” they are at being judgmental and disparaging. Their thought space is jam-packed with clear-cut examples of what NOT to have in or on your mind. (But I digress…) I sincerely hope that I have made a compelling case for fore-giveness today. But if you’re not yet ready to somehow claim goodness out of those bad things that have occurred, please remember this: When you refuse to fore-give, you are really refusing to look forward. You are so focused on what HAS happened; you cannot see what IS happening, or what is about to happen, or what COULD happen. And this is truly a tragedy. We all have so much to offer and so much to give to the world. And if we choose to continue looking backward, we actually continue to empower those people who have already hurt us somewhere in the now-gone past. Refusing to fore-give is essentially a second tragedy…. chosen by you. I realize these are strong words. And I know this world is filled with some pretty miffed-up people. Nonetheless, it’s time to change how we view the apology. The apology is certainly nice to have. The middleman is always nice to have. But the middleman always takes a cut. And, to be sure... if you are waiting on that middleman called an apology... ...it’s taking a serious toll on your life. Let it go. My second-best saying in the whole wide world is six little words: Forgive. Focus. Find. Accept. Adapt. Achieve. ® These six little words are one of two fundamental foundations to getting you started along the path of your dreams. Since we are now 75% through this e-course titled 40 Days and Two Little Words, I will share the specifics regarding the collective power of the first three of these six little words. Fore-give. When you fore-give, you not only let bygones be bygones… but you also claim value from that experience. In other words, when you truly fore-give someone for something, you allow his or her actions to somehow add value to your life. Now please understand… it is not necessarily your task to discover what that value could or should be. Don’t waste your time trying to discover why bad things happen to good people. You need your energy for the future… not the past. Focus. Speaking of energy… As soon as you fore-give others for their apparently hurtful actions, you can immediately (yes… immediately) begin focusing on something real and tangible: today. All of the money, talent, and time in the world cannot undo what was done. And you can easily end up wasting all of your money, talent, and time investing in viciousness, vindictiveness, and vile… only to have all three V’s come back and smite you with your own spite. It’s just not worth it. Find. Upon fore-giving “them” and discovering a renewed ability to focus on present-day activities, you will no longer have a shroud of expectation preceding all of your actions. Believe me… if you are waiting for an apology from someone… there is an invisible-but-very-dark veil amidst your countenance. Fore-giveness immediately renders your sight pristine and your mind abundantly clear. Ironically, when you fore-give others and focus on YOUR purpose, you will not only find all of those good things that you previously couldn’t find… you will be amazed at all of the great things that will actually find you! Please take a bold step forward and believe me when I re-state that last line: When you fore-give others and focus on YOUR purpose, you will not only find all of those good things that you previously couldn’t find… you will be amazed at all of the great things that will actually find you! In fact, much like the lowly caterpillar who can merely inch along upon the lowest of places, but then transforms into the most beautiful and lofty of nature's creatures, when we choose to fore-give the apology and let it go (whatever it may be), we, too, are transformed into something quite unlike we were before our own transformation; before holding onto something so bad, so hurtful, and so far in the past. Lastly, I will say this: I am not proposing that such a decision is easy. Perhaps it seems simple; and maybe it is simple. However, the human brain and its accompanying psyche are probably the most complex algorithmic pair in the universe. Accordingly, everything and, paradoxically, nothing we ever do is simple. After all, we breathe without thinking about inhaling or exhaling; it simply comes naturally to us. And yet, it is a very complex thing that our body does (extracting oxygen from the air that we breathe). Likewise, transformation seems simple; and maybe it is simple. But here is what is most interesting: We are ALWAYS in the midst of transforming. The question remains: To what, my friend, are you transitioning to... and from (?) Your mission for today: 1. Say these 5 little words right now: “I fore-give everybody for everything.” 2. Close your eyes, and say those 5 words again, but more slowly. “I... fore-give... everybody... for... everything.” 3. If you are still having difficulty, write an extended letter to someone who has caused you harm.
4. Continue with being grateful. See if you can list 20 things (right now) for which you can be grateful. 5. Lastly, if you are still not sure about fore-giving everyone their apology, please read this short essay that I wrote about you (yes - YOU) by reading THIS POST. Aloha, John Forgive. Focus. Find. Accept. Adapt. Achieve. ®  John H. Clark III is an optimistic realist. Principal consultant at The PIE Group, and Executive Director of TeenBuilding USA, [a non-profit 501c(3)], John believes better development of leaders is what we (all) need. And to be better organizations, we need more good leaders, not followers. To build better leaders, we must start with the individual (you, she, he, and me). Described as “an innovative leader,” John teaches leaders, organizations, and individuals how to inspire each other. With a bold goal to inspire a worldwide community of optimistic realists who continuously accept, adapt to, and achieve the bold and beautiful concept of The Ideal Life, John is leading a movement to inspire people to apply his trademarked mantra {Accept. Adapt. Achieve! ®}. An innovative business manager and retired naval officer, John is fascinated by leaders and organizations that make the greatest impact within their organizational culture and within the “real” world — people who “get it.” Over the course of his life as a military leader, corporate mentor, and innovative content creator, John has discovered a wealth of insight about how we think, act and communicate within our respective work/life environments. As a career naval officer, mentor, educator, and optimistic realist, he has devoted his life to sharing insights to assist in our quests to become better at what we all do – live @ work! An optimist with a penchant for writing about realistic solutions to the challenges of everyday life, John is the author of 3 books: a leadership-development insider, The Ideal: Your guide to An Ideal Life, a teen-focused guide, Getting Out: Expert Advice for Today’s Teens, and the Christian-based book, God’s Heartbeat: A Powerful Premise for Leading a Christian Life. He delivers a unique and refreshing point of view to life's seemingly overwhelming situations. Through books, blogs, and everyday conversation, John's message resonates with an empowering blend of ideals that enrich, uplift, and “authorize” people to set and achieve goals far beyond current mindsets. His trademarked phrase is a winner:  |
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