Day 11 - Two Little Words - Communicate Effectively

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​I spent some time video chatting with an adorable six-month-old baby a few days ago.

We kept the conversation light and fun.  I didn’t go into too many details about my day… and neither did she.  She said a few things that I didn’t quite understand, but I didn’t think it would matter much if I asked for clarification.  Instead, I just repeated what she said – or at least I tried to repeat what she said – but she was really speaking her own little language… and so was I.
 
               But aren’t we all?
 
This short story about the video conversation I had with the baby could have easily been a story about a conversation I had with an old friend, ex-wife, or foreign exchange student.  If you think I’m off my rocker, read this:
 
I spent some time video chatting with a FOREIGN-EXCHANGE STUDENT a few days ago.  We kept the conversation light and fun.  I didn’t go into too many details about my day… and neither did she.  She said a few things that I didn’t quite understand, but I didn’t think it would matter much if I asked for clarification.  Instead, I just repeated what she said – or at least I tried to repeat what she said – but she was really speaking her own little language… and so was I.
 
               Interesting, eh?
 
In reality, each and every one of us has our own special way of talking.  However, mere "talking" is not "communication."

For communication, there are four required components: 

- The sender;
- The receiver;
- The message; and
- The medium.

From the time we were born into this world, we began developing our very own communication idiosyncrasies.  Of course, we learned most of our initial communication styles from people who were closest to us: our parents, siblings, and (sooner or later) our friends. 

But as much as we learned from them, we remain forever true to ourselves, developing our own communication style while sampling bits and pieces of the things we have seen, thought about, and heard.
 
Indeed, our communication is definitely affected by what we see, as well as what we hear.  Understanding this little factoid helped me devise an effective way to approach a sensitive topic with my wife many years ago.
 
A few months after our wedding, I asked her to join me in listing our respective strengths and weaknesses:  We each began with a sheet of plain printer paper, and created four columns:

- Two columns of adjectives that I listed about her… and
- Two columns of adjectives that she listed for me. 

We both filled out our respective sheets of paper by listing 10 characteristics in each column.

Thus, she listed 10 strengths and 10 non-strengths for me.  And I did the same for her.
 
And then came the time to share our perceptions.
 
Of course, I expected our respective descriptions of strengths to go rather smoothly, and it did.  

On the other hand, I was somewhat concerned about the subsequent conversation regarding our perceived weaknesses (I think I called them non-strengths).
 
So, given my concern about sharing and receiving what we perceived to be each others' non-strengths... what did I do? 

I planned for an effective conversation.
 
I rented a minivan and invited her to the beach, where we sat in the back of the minivan, with the hatch open, listening to the soothing sounds of the whispering waves as they kissed the sandy shore.  We sat with our backs flush up against one another, hers against mine - back-to-back - and mine against hers… both of us facing opposite directions, not looking at each other, but with our arms interlocked, literally feeling each others' every spoken word.
 
And then we discussed our respective non-strengths.
 
And I have to tell ya’…

...it was an amazing conversation. 

Interestingly, our top five or six descriptors of each other matched up pretty well (of course, mine were a bit more, uhm, kind. But, hey, I’m a writer, write?  I mean… right?)
 
Anyway… What’s my point?
 
Whether political pandering, practical meandering, or just plain old social elaborating, conversations are, by definition, an exchange of words. Specifically, the definition of a conversation is:
 
con·ver·sa·tion [kon-ver-sey-shuhn] - noun
1.  Informal interchange of thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words
2. Oral communication between persons. (dictionary.com)
  
Thus, whenever you are choosing (yes… you are the only one who chooses YOUR words)… whenever you are choosing to say something, you must ALWAYS first consider your desired effect. 

Hence, the term: EFFECTive communication.
 
Our communications are only effective if and when they achieve the desired effect. 

Career politicians know this; that’s why they become masters of the sound bite. 

Effective parents understand this concept; that’s why they use the art of varying tones and voice inflection to add an additional layer of communication when successfully convincing their children to do something.
 
Indeed, there’s quite a bit to be said about tone and voice inflection. For example, read the following sentences aloud, with an emphasis on the capitalized words (or with an emphasis on voice inflection for the question):
 
You LOOK tired!  (some might say it says, “You look like crap!”)
You look tired? (some might say it says, “What’s wrong?”)
YOU… look tired. (some might say it says, “I am concerned; please rest here.”)
 
Of the four main components of communication (sender, receiver, message, and medium), none of them reference tone.  Interestingly, if you remove any one of these four components, communication abruptly stops.  Even more interesting is this little fact:  Even with all four components present (sender, receiver, message, medium)… without the right voice tone, communication will STILL stop.
 
Yet even MORE interesting… If an when the sender and receiver speak different languages, as long as there is a commitment to effectively communicate...

... thy will be done.

As we spend time with our families and friends over the next few weeks...  

And, as we make more time to reach out to relatives in a more meaningful way as the winter season eases into spring, remember to say what you need to say.  

Say what you mean to say...

...and mean what you say.

Watch your tone.

Don't just talk and hear; but focus on listening.

​You might discover a whole new and wonderful world. In a nutshell...

COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY.

                                                      Oh, and…

Accept what is.
 
Adapt to a changing landscape.
 
Achieve the best possible outcome.
 
Aloha,