Day 11 - Two Little Words - Communicate Effectively

​I spent some time video chatting with an adorable six-month-old baby a few days ago.  We kept the conversation light and fun.  I didn’t go into too many details about my day… and neither did she.  She said a few things that I didn’t quite understand, but I didn’t think it would matter much if I asked for clarification.  Instead, I just repeated what she said – or at least I tried to repeat what she said – but she was really speaking her own little language… and so was I.
 
               But aren’t we all?
 
This short story about the video conversation I had with the baby could have easily been a story about a conversation I had with an old friend, ex-wife, or foreign exchange student.  If you think I’m off my rocker, read this:
 
I spent some time video chatting with a FOREIGN-EXCHANGE STUDENT a few days ago.  We kept the conversation light and fun.  I didn’t go into too many details about my day… and neither did she.  She said a few things that I didn’t quite understand, but I didn’t think it would matter much if I asked for clarification.  Instead, I just repeated what she said – or at least I tried to repeat what she said – but she was really speaking her own little language… and so was I.
 
               Interesting, eh?
 
In reality, each and every one of us has our own special way of talking.  However, mere "talking" is not "communication."

For communication, there are four required components: 

- The sender;
- The receiver;
- The message; and
- The medium.

From the time we were born into this world, we began developing our very own communication idiosyncrasies.  Of course, we learned most of our initial communication styles from people who were closest to us: our parents, siblings, and (sooner or later) our friends.  But as much as we learned from them, we remain forever true to ourselves, developing our own communication style while sampling bits and pieces of the things we have seen, thought about, and heard.
 
Indeed, our communication is definitely affected by what we see, as well as what we hear.  Understanding this little factoid helped me devise an effective way to approach a sensitive topic with my wife many years ago.
 
A few months after our wedding, I asked her to join me in listing our respective strengths and weaknesses:  We each began with a sheet of plain printer paper, and created four columns:

- Two columns of adjectives that I listed about her… and
- Two columns of adjectives that she listed for me. 

We both filled out our respective sheets of paper by listing 10 characteristics in each column.

Thus, she listed 10 strengths and 10 non-strengths for me.  And I did the same for her.
 
And then came the time to share our perceptions.
 
Of course, I expected our respective descriptions of strengths to go rather smoothly, and it did.  

On the other hand, I was somewhat concerned about the subsequent conversation regarding our perceived weaknesses (I think I called them non-strengths).
 
So, given my concern about sharing and receiving what we perceived to be each others' non-strengths... what did I do? 

I planned for an effective conversation.
 
I rented a minivan and invited her to the beach, where we sat in the back of the minivan, with the hatch open, listening to the soothing sounds of the whispering waves as they kissed the sandy shore.  We sat with our backs flush up against one another, hers against mine - back-to-back - and mine against hers… both of us facing opposite directions, not looking at each other, but with our arms interlocked, literally feeling each others' every spoken word.
 
And then we discussed our respective non-strengths.
 
And I have to tell ya’…

...it was an amazing conversation. 

Interestingly, our top five or six descriptors of each other matched up pretty well (of course, mine were a bit more, uhm, kind. But, hey, I’m a writer, write?  I mean… right?)
 
Anyway… What’s my point?
 
Whether political pandering, practical meandering, or just plain old social elaborating, conversations are, by definition, an exchange of words. Specifically, the definition of a conversation is:
 
con·ver·sa·tion [kon-ver-sey-shuhn] - noun
1.  Informal interchange of thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words
2. Oral communication between persons. (dictionary.com)
  
Thus, whenever you are choosing (yes… you are the only one who chooses YOUR words)… whenever you are choosing to say something, you must ALWAYS first consider your desired effect. 

Hence, the term: EFFECTive communication.
 
Our communications are only effective if and when they achieve the desired effect. 

Career politicians know this; that’s why they become masters of the sound bite. 

Effective parents understand this concept; that’s why they use the art of varying tones and voice inflection to add an additional layer of communication when successfully convincing their children to do something.
 
Indeed, there’s quite a bit to be said about tone and voice inflection. For example, read the following sentences aloud, with an emphasis on the capitalized words (or with an emphasis on voice inflection for the question):
 
You LOOK tired!  (Says, “You look like crap!”)
You look tired? (Says, “What’s wrong?”)
YOU… look tired. (Says, “I am concerned, please rest here.”)
 
Of the four main components of communication (sender, receiver, message, and medium), none of them reference tone.  Interestingly, if you remove any one of these four components, communication abruptly stops.  Even more interesting is this little fact:  Even with all four components present (sender, receiver, message, medium)… without the right voice tone, communication will STILL stop.
 
Yet even MORE interesting… If an when the sender and receiver speak different languages, as long as there is a commitment to effectively communicate...

... thy will be done.

As we spend more and more time with our families over the next few weeks...  

And, as we make more time to reach out to relatives in a more meaningful way during this challenging time, remember to say what you need to say.  Say what you mean to say.  And mean what you say. Watch your tone. Don't just talk and hear; but focus on listening. You might discover a whole new and wonderful world. In a nutshell...

COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY.

Oh, and…
 
Accept what is.
 
Adapt to a changing landscape.
 
Achieve the best possible outcome.
 
Aloha,
John
 
Accept. Adapt. Achieve. ®
         

John H. Clark III is an optimistic realist.

Principal consultant at The PIE Group, and Executive Director of TeenBuilding USA, [a non-profit 501c(3)], John believes better development of leaders is what we (all) need.  And to be better organizations, we need more good leaders, not followers. To build better leaders, we must start with the individual (you, she, he, and me).
 
Described as “an innovative leader,” John teaches leaders, organizations, and individuals how to inspire each other. With a bold goal to inspire a worldwide community of optimistic realists who continuously accept, adapt to, and achieve the bold and beautiful concept of The Ideal Life, John is leading a movement to inspire people to apply his trademarked mantra {Accept. Adapt. Achieve! ®}.
 
An innovative business manager and retired naval officer, John is fascinated by leaders and organizations that make the greatest impact within their organizational culture and within the “real” world — people who “get it.” Over the course of his life as a military leader, corporate mentor, and innovative content creator, John has discovered a wealth of insight about how we think, act and communicate within our respective work/life environments. As a career naval officer, mentor, educator, and optimistic realist, he has devoted his life to sharing insights to assist in our quests to become better at what we all do – live @ work!
 
An optimist with a penchant for writing about realistic solutions to the challenges of everyday life, John is the author of 3 books: a leadership-development insider, The Ideal: Your guide to An Ideal Life, a teen-focused guide, Getting Out: Expert Advice for Today’s Teens, and the Christian-based book, God’s Heartbeat: A Powerful Premise for Leading a Christian Life.
 
He delivers a unique and refreshing point of view to life's seemingly overwhelming situations. 
 
Through books, blogs, and everyday conversation, John's message resonates with an empowering blend of ideals that enrich, uplift, and “authorize” people to set and achieve goals far beyond current mindsets.  His trademarked phrase is a winner: